You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
