the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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