i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
