Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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