I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
