Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
