I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
