After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
