Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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