I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
