made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
