hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
