Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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