Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
