sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
