I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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