and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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