Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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