kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
