It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
did i just pee glitter
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
