I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
