You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
