Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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