I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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