The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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