She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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