3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
PANTIES FOUND
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