maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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