I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
