I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
