He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize