Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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