hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
