I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
