I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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