just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
