AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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