I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
