Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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