i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
