i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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