I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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