Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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