I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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