The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
