my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
