turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
