This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
