so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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