saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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