And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
