All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
