I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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