she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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