Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize