Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
