You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
