My sheets look like a crime scene.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
