happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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