RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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