so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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