Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
