So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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