..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
